Love in the time of FIFO.

Since my effort last week was somewhat brief....

Well it’s been a busy week, but Miss 19 and Lil Blondie seem to be having a most excellent time: beaches, markets, lunches etc. The only shame of course is that by the nature of FIFO, The Kevman is missing most of it.

In the past month he has also been away for Christmas Day, his own birthday, New Year’s Day (which is also our anniversary) and he is also going to be absent for Valentine’s Day in February.

But it’s the way it goes. The FIFO lifestyle is not for everyone. How parents with children cope is beyond me and my hat goes off to them on a daily basis, especially as their schedules are usually much crueller than ours (up to 26 days away to only 9 at home)

The rewards for such a lifestyle are obviously financial for the most part and therein lies the rub, the elephant in the room if you like when it comes to new relationships. When I met The Kevman (he was holidaying in New Zealand), his salary was nearly six times mine and that fact immediately made one thing brutally obvious: If this deal was gonna head in a serious direction, I had to seriously consider relocating my ass to where he lived, not the other way around. As an electrician, there was no way in holy hell he could earn anywhere near his present income in New Zealand. To earn even a third of it would still mean relocating to a different city.

So once it was obvious we were getting on way too well to ignore what was happening, questions had to be asked:

Can I do this?

What is best for my children?

What about my safe government career path I had just secured for myself?

(And subsequently) How do I relocate to a different country after only three months of knowing someone (because long distance dating was gonna suck) and not look a gold-digging hussy?

I have never been known for keeping stuff simple but this shit really took the cake.

So like all big situations that I have encountered in my life, I broke this one down into logical parts to make my decision. (Ever heard of the Briggs Myer Personality Test? I’m an INTP....and I'm very good at it). So here’s my helpful Q & A guide should you ever find yourself swept of your feet by a FIFO Prince/Princess charming.

Q. Do you love this person?

A. Of course you bloody don’t, you've only just met. Don’t be a twat. But can you see yourself falling in love with him/her? Can you see a future together? Do you connect on some visceral level through shared experiences, pleasures and probably some painful stuff just for good measure? Do you have enough, but not everything in common? Would you still be attracted to him if he had a more modest income? Does this person make you smile and laugh regularly? Does your instinct tell you he/she is genuine and safe?

The answers better be yes...just saying.

Q. Are you both 100% committed to making it work once you relocate? Are you prepared for hiccups and little sucky bits while you learn the inner workings of your new beau? Have you looked at yourself and noted what would be hard to live with and are you prepared to change that behaviour now you have a significant other to consider?  

A. Commitment in a situation like this is not negotiable. Period. And as much as you’re not supposed to ‘change’ to suit someone else, this is a very subjective matter. If you have some habits you have formed while single that are less than desirable....this is probably the time to dump them. Even core beliefs can be questioned if new information is presented to you. Intelligent people are always open to questioning their beliefs upon new evidence so go in open minded and ready to learn and compromise and your relationship stands a much higher chance of going the distance. And you may just become a better person out of the whole experience.

Q. Can you handle whatever FIFO arrangement is on the go? It means you'll be left alone for usually three to four weeks at a time to keep yourself amused. If you will be having children coming over for the holidays and if you also want to be home when your beloved is on R & R you probably won’t be able to have a normal job. You will have to look outside the box if you want to generate your own income. Are you ok being ‘kept’ if required?

A. You can only but give it a go. It takes some more of that commitment but it’s all about attitude and there are advantages to the lifestyle if you choose to see them. I adore picking The Kevman up from the airport and spending all week with him, but I also get time to myself to concentrate on other things like writing, eating better, craft work and getting health issues sorted (my current projects). We Skype each other at night to share our day, we make it work. With school hols I don’t have to apply for leave or juggle it, I'm always available. It’s all about how you look at it.

Q. Do you have a backup plan if the whole thing goes arse up? How reversible is this decision?

A. The level of backup plan required is negatively correlated to how much ‘yes’ features in your previous answers. The more connection you feel and commitment you have denotes less requirement for an out, but you still have to be prepared for things going horribly wrong. You’re giving up your home; income and possibly continuous access to your children...you better have a support network (and some job ideas) should you decide to return.

Q. What is best for your children if you already have any?

A. This is a unique situation that every parent must answer for themselves. In my case, I have an excellent co-parenting relationship with my children’s father and it was decided several years ago that whoever left town first does the visitation thing. Miss 19 was already living in a different city so our contact was largely by Facebook anyway and Lil Blondie is settled at school with her friends and familiar teachers, a solid family network including a good father (and now his new partner) and three grandparents. Although she is always welcome here, she is currently where she belongs and The Kevman and I are in a financial situation to reunite with the kids every school holidays or at other times if required. This is working for us, so feel free to do the same if it would work for you too. Just because you’re female does not mean you cannot voluntarily be the visiting parent in a separation situation, it does not mean you are a bad mother....welcome to gender equality.

Q. But what if his family and friends think I'm just after his money?

A. They are perfectly entitled to at least consider that as a possibility...especially if things develop quickly. It is understandable that they will want to protect their friend/relative, though at the same time they should give credit that he/she know what he/she is doing. Give them time. Turn up when you’re invited, be respectful but hold your own. You’re there because you are committed to this relationship and happy to be there....both of you. So show it.

The best advice I can offer overall (coz it’s my blog and I can offer advice if I want to) is if you want the least amount of ripples when major change needs to occur, you should have the groundwork laid beforehand. Be prepared for anything to happen in your life so when the big stuff comes you have the support you need. By this I mean be an honest, consistent person, not a flighty fluffhead who can’t stick at one thing longer than two seconds (there’s medication for that). Be a good friend, keep secrets, give of yourself, be positive, and surround yourself with good positive people. Be single when that’s best; don’t have a boy/girlfriend just because you are lonely. Be trustworthy so that when you make big or possibly controversial decisions people are more likely to trust your judgement and support you in them.

Just don't be a dickhead basically.

But ultimately, it's up to you and if all the above is a bit much to remember, here’s my short version:

“Life ain’t a rehearsal”

“The greatest love is worth the greatest risk”

“Don’t make decisions that don’t need to be made”

Apply as necessary.

Have a nice day. 

Now I'd better get back to my offspring, I hear only silence and it concerns me that seventeen pizzas and a stripper may turn up at my door any second. Have a good one! :D