How to catch a Tigress

So how is everyone after their New Year’s shenanigans?

I for one am pooped let me tell you; I shenaniganned myself all the way to the computer and it was all on from there: Facebook statuses flying around, emails everywhere, new pins...it was chaos. I barely had time to sip my herbal tea let alone get any cross stitch done.

I'm going to need a week to recover!

But to be honest, this day has more significance to me than just the dawn of a new year. You see exactly one year ago on New Year’s Day, I met The Kevman. This was quite a monumental occasion as I had started to lose all hope of finding any male capable of enchanting the Tigress.

But he did it...bless his wee cotton socks. :)

So for those men (and lesbians for that matter) who are interested, listen up. I thought I’d write the definitive guide for you. This is how to catch a Tigress in five (apparently not so) easy steps.

Step One: Find one who has been on her own for a while. She'll be a little jaded no doubt but she'll still be able to smile warmly when the occasion warrants it. Not only does her lone wolf status signify her independence, it denotes discernment; she ain’t gonna just shack up with anyone. If she chooses you, you know she isn’t kidding.

Step Two: Don’t be an asshole. I know this seems like such an obvious one, but so many men just can’t seem to get this step down. There are two ways this happens. Firstly on the night they meet their possible Tigress they either do not listen to her attentively, or make it obvious in other ways that they wish to investigate the physical attraction more than the mental. As I insinuated in Step One, Tigresses ain’t stupid, they need a mental connection before you gettin’ the booty. If you treat her like a piece of meat, she will drop you like a cup of cold sick.

Just so's you know.

The second way to escalate your assholian standing is to play her (or derivatives thereof). Let me make this perfectly clear, if you have a current girlfriend you do not wish to be with...get rid of her BEFORE you even look at tempting a Tigress. If you are not able to come at her with complete honesty from the outset, then you’re Done..... Done Done Done like a Madden Brothers song. Because I can bet you any money that she has been on her own for a while due to the fact she’s been hurt rather badly at some point and now has little tolerance for boys who can’t get their shit together.

So have your shit together.

Step Three: Treat her like a lady. Now this is very dodgy ground in today’s world with women no longer accepting any relegation to an apparent ‘second place’, or insinuation that they are incapable of looking after themselves. And quite rightly so, but my suggestion: do it anyway. Take a gamble on the fact that she has probably dealt with a lot of disrespect so will appreciate the effort if done genuinely. Hold doors, look at her face frequently like she is beautiful, pull her chair out for her, be confident and chivalrous without being arrogant. And don’t be afraid to do the romantic first kiss. As a piece of bonus info, this will probably get you laid a damn sight quicker than pinching her ass. You’re welcome.

Step Four: Let her see your kindness. We’re over the macho shit ok. Way over it. We really don’t need to hear you yell and rant and threaten or what have you. Give it rest. Any Tigress worth her stripes could probably lay someone on his or her ass anyway if required so we really don’t need your bullshit bravado hindering our investigations into who you really are. Don’t get me wrong, assertiveness is attractive but what she'll really be watching for is gentleness, generosity and kindness: How you treat and tip wait staff, how you speak to others - particularly the elderly and children, how tolerant you are and how you handle conflict, including whether or not you resort to abuse over calm resolution.  She will be watching it all. If your habit is toward violence of any sort, wind you neck in and change it. A Tigress will only go where she feels safe; create that safety and you will have a mate for life.

Step Five: Communicate, but don’t expect a lot from her to start with. She will be guarded, at least to some degree but that is your challenge. She will enjoy wit (if you make her laugh heartily, you’re halfway there), but she'll also love deep conversations about things that are important or interesting to her. If she is a true Tigress she will never seek to control you, subtly influence perhaps, but not control....and obviously it is pointless trying to control her (though if you do things right she will want to do everything to please you so it’s irrelevant).  She will let you know what she does and doesn't like and it is perfectly ok for you to do the same – providing you can back your shit up should you disagree.  She needs intelligence and competency in a mate. She may be smarter than you in some areas so be prepared to learn without your ego getting in the way, but you will of course have your own areas that you can wax informative on so will command her respect right back.

Though I’m gonna take a moment to be honest here: No Tigress is going to look twice at a guy who’s unemployed and whose sole ‘passions’ are adult cartoons and computer/console games. Sports are fine but hardcore gaming skates a thin line, especially if you’re over 30. If you are passionate to the point that you have a blog on which you review games or one that comments on the possible social commentary contained within the aforementioned cartoons, you may court her attention. But you’d better not be gaming at the expense of job seeking/studying....or, just, nope. Actually if you’re doing anything too much besides studying or job-seeking it’s a nope. Harsh, but reality.

Overall, Tigress taming is not hard if you just use your brains over your balls. She doesn't need a banker or a lawyer or a motorcycle bad boy, she just needs someone who treats her with respect and is committed. Yes there are many good women who ‘friendzone’ some very good men...but they are not Tigresses. Yet. Give them another few years of being screwed around and played and you might just find they learn what, and who, is really important.

So, you might be asking, did I make the Kevman do all of the above?

No. He did it all by himself.

That’s why I now live in Perth J

Happy New Year everyone! And Happy Anniversary my darling <3