Weather you like it or not...

It rained yesterday.

Whoop de doo you may say, but this is Perth, Western Australia; it hasn’t rained in over two months. To say the ground is extremely parched on this side of the country would be an understatement akin to that of a politician’s public declaration of expenditure.

We needed that rain.

The only problem with rain over here though is that it doesn’t travel alone. Hell no. Usually when you think of a nice spot of drought breaking drizzle you imagine a consistent downpouring that joyous families and farmers can dance about in while singing the praises of Mother Nature’s mercy.

Then there’s Western Australia.

The only reason you would go outside during rain around here is if you have a death wish and desired to depart this mortal coil looking like an escapee from a crematorium.

Not only does Australia have some extremely hazardous wildlife but the weather is also pretty impressive and all. For example, lightning strikes cause between 5 – 10 deaths per year, the leading cause of weather related death short of flooding....also rain related obviously.*  

Then with tales of hailstones larger than golf balls, sizeable cyclones and nifty flash flooding, it reoccurred to me that perhaps I was underestimating Australia’s ability to do me in. The things you do for love. But what is it with this country and its complete inability to keep shit normal?

Case in point, I was riding in the car with the Kevman during the aforementioned rain yesterday when I got to witness some of this lightning business in action. Instead of a completely cloudy sky however, it was blue in two thirds of it and a smoggy looking black hell in the other bit. We could see sheets of rain coming down (including the odd bolt of lightning) even though we were driving in sunshine.

But what really tripped my breaker was the fact that you could see through said sheets of black rain to white fluffy clouds and blue sky on the other side! I shit you not, a transparent storm. If I were a religious person, I would say God was horribly miffed that day, but only at a small section of the population. Maybe they weren't doing their craft work I dunno (Those who have read my previous blogs will extract the full humour from that....see, your devoted readership has its perks).

I was stupefied at the ability of this weather system to be so selective. In Feilding, New Zealand where I come from, it just gets cloudy, pisses down with rain then looks like arse for the rest of the day. None of this fancy shmancy shit. I’ve heard of four seasons in one day but not the ability to have them all at bloody once.

That’s just showing off.

Upon further investigation it appears this storm caused power outages and produced some spectacular illumination that made the Australia Day fireworks a few nights previous look like light sticks being waved at a toddler’s birthday party.

(I can hear Mother Nature now: “Oh how pretty, but that’s not a light show...THIS is a light show.”)

(Link to full article here: http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-01-29/perth-lightning-storm-cuts-power-to-thousands/6054080)

And of course, where there’s lightening, there is always thunder. And yesterday was no exception. Whilst ambling about the supermarket in a rather large mall I heard a thunderous (literally) noise that made me clutch my trolley for dear life anticipating the need to take shelter behind the canned tomatoes. After a few more high decibelled booms reverberated around the cavernous building I glanced at The Kevman with furrowed brow to which he blithely replied: “Must be a bit of a storm coming”.

Bit of a storm coming? Bit of a f**king storm coming?? No shit Sherlock. Upon returning to our car I half expected to encounter a gaping crevasse in the parking lot.

And this performance continued into the night. As if the blinding flash of 5 billion joules of energy isn't enough to wake you from your bissful slumber, there’s always the accompanying cacophony of booms and crashes to remind you that Mother Nature’s alive and well and possibly pre-menstrual.

It’s almost as if she’s picking a fight: “Why are you sleeping?? I’m not sleeping? You haven’t contemplated life’s vicissitudes nearly enough yet. There are things to be fretted about don’t you know. Think of the poor people in Gaza and war-torn Africa, this is what it sounds like.”

“BOOM, crash, rumble, bam”

Good grief.

But then the rain comes and hangs out for a bit and tranquillity is restored. You close your eyes in anticipation of sweet repose and then...

*BOOM* another wallop.

“Were you SLEEPING again?! Stop being silly!”

“How the hell can I sleep you bi-polar tart when you keep stacking on this performance?”

*silence...rain*

You close one eye. 20 mins later you have the apparent audacity to close the other. Waste of time if ever there was one.

You know that delightful tale about counting the seconds between the lightning and thunder to gauge how far away the storm is?

There was nothing to count.

*ZAP, CRASH* all in one hearty dose. She was playin’ hardball now (though it sounded more like ten-pin bloody bowling). The sky illuminated like it was bathed in a nuclear blast and the noise was like something out of a surround sound space battle.

In my head I bellowed: “Knock it off!!” But in reality I remained silent as my beloved even stirred at the most recent effort.

And then promptly fell back to sleep.

I swear to God that man could sleep through a death metal concert.

I eventually got some sleep and if I'm honest it wasn't too bad. Our cracked dirt needs more rain so I guess we should keep to coming, thunderstorms and all.

Though apparently the weather forecast for today is 38°C (100.4°F) and stormy. So basically I get to sweat profusely but can’t go stand in the rain to wash it off.

Nice.

See you next week dear readers! We'll probably have had a cyclone, three hailstorms and a flash flood by then so there'll no doubt be plenty to talk about.

* I do not feel that this takes into consideration deaths from heat exposure as there are government reports indicating death from heat to be the biggest killer in Australia. Due to lack of specific study in the area, however, clear data is not available.....but you can bet your ass it’ll be examined in a future blog. 

About this FIFO business......

I’m on a bit of a FIFO bent at the moment it seems. I haven’t blogged about anything random for a few weeks.

I think I'm hoarding topics

But that’s how it goes in the world of personal blogging. As I have now been in Australia for nearly a year, my experience of the FIFO lifestyle has become more routine. There are things I have been able to do that I could never have done previously, but also some things have started to stand out as being common to this way of life. So being the analytical sort I thought I would write them down. Perhaps you FIFO partners out there may relate.

You know you’re in a FIFO household when:

Birthdays, anniversaries and other special days are almost never celebrated on the actual date they’re supposed to be. Or you have them twice.

You feel like you see/hear your partner more on Skype/over the phone than in real life.

You count in sleeps...whether you have kids or not.

You know you can always take your kids to the airport in their pyjamas and no judgement will be felt.

The words: “Airport parking” are enough to make you roll your eyes with no further elaboration needed.

You love that little rush you get in your tummy the day your partner is flying home (and when the queue of workers starts filing through the airport door!).

You develop an appreciation for the little happenings in life as you get to relive them in the retell on Skype/phone. And you also get real good at doing stuff for yourself because it’s either you or no one!

You know the term ‘bed busted’ and appreciate its finer implications.

The phrase: “Oh goodie there’s a cyclone coming” has passed through your mind on more than one occasion as if wishing for the intensification of a destructive force of nature is the most natural thing in the world.

Your monthly household income protection insurance premium costs more than some people earn in a week...before tax.

You fully appreciate that money isn't everything.

But possibly the best thing about the FIFO lifestyle for me personally, is that it has enabled me to enter into a relationship without becoming too physically and mentally dependent.  I have had to learn to negotiate the Perth highways and byways and the traffic thereupon (I come from Feilding, New Zealand, it doesn't even have traffic lights), as well as dealing with my own health management as I am now interacting with the Australian hospital system.

I must say I feel rather clever and shit.

But I also know I'm part of a wonderful online support network and that there is always someone (if required) who understands what I'm dealing with.

I'm a pretty lucky gal really 

Have a jolly spiffy day all! And see you next week :D

Love in the time of FIFO.

Since my effort last week was somewhat brief....

Well it’s been a busy week, but Miss 19 and Lil Blondie seem to be having a most excellent time: beaches, markets, lunches etc. The only shame of course is that by the nature of FIFO, The Kevman is missing most of it.

In the past month he has also been away for Christmas Day, his own birthday, New Year’s Day (which is also our anniversary) and he is also going to be absent for Valentine’s Day in February.

But it’s the way it goes. The FIFO lifestyle is not for everyone. How parents with children cope is beyond me and my hat goes off to them on a daily basis, especially as their schedules are usually much crueller than ours (up to 26 days away to only 9 at home)

The rewards for such a lifestyle are obviously financial for the most part and therein lies the rub, the elephant in the room if you like when it comes to new relationships. When I met The Kevman (he was holidaying in New Zealand), his salary was nearly six times mine and that fact immediately made one thing brutally obvious: If this deal was gonna head in a serious direction, I had to seriously consider relocating my ass to where he lived, not the other way around. As an electrician, there was no way in holy hell he could earn anywhere near his present income in New Zealand. To earn even a third of it would still mean relocating to a different city.

So once it was obvious we were getting on way too well to ignore what was happening, questions had to be asked:

Can I do this?

What is best for my children?

What about my safe government career path I had just secured for myself?

(And subsequently) How do I relocate to a different country after only three months of knowing someone (because long distance dating was gonna suck) and not look a gold-digging hussy?

I have never been known for keeping stuff simple but this shit really took the cake.

So like all big situations that I have encountered in my life, I broke this one down into logical parts to make my decision. (Ever heard of the Briggs Myer Personality Test? I’m an INTP....and I'm very good at it). So here’s my helpful Q & A guide should you ever find yourself swept of your feet by a FIFO Prince/Princess charming.

Q. Do you love this person?

A. Of course you bloody don’t, you've only just met. Don’t be a twat. But can you see yourself falling in love with him/her? Can you see a future together? Do you connect on some visceral level through shared experiences, pleasures and probably some painful stuff just for good measure? Do you have enough, but not everything in common? Would you still be attracted to him if he had a more modest income? Does this person make you smile and laugh regularly? Does your instinct tell you he/she is genuine and safe?

The answers better be yes...just saying.

Q. Are you both 100% committed to making it work once you relocate? Are you prepared for hiccups and little sucky bits while you learn the inner workings of your new beau? Have you looked at yourself and noted what would be hard to live with and are you prepared to change that behaviour now you have a significant other to consider?  

A. Commitment in a situation like this is not negotiable. Period. And as much as you’re not supposed to ‘change’ to suit someone else, this is a very subjective matter. If you have some habits you have formed while single that are less than desirable....this is probably the time to dump them. Even core beliefs can be questioned if new information is presented to you. Intelligent people are always open to questioning their beliefs upon new evidence so go in open minded and ready to learn and compromise and your relationship stands a much higher chance of going the distance. And you may just become a better person out of the whole experience.

Q. Can you handle whatever FIFO arrangement is on the go? It means you'll be left alone for usually three to four weeks at a time to keep yourself amused. If you will be having children coming over for the holidays and if you also want to be home when your beloved is on R & R you probably won’t be able to have a normal job. You will have to look outside the box if you want to generate your own income. Are you ok being ‘kept’ if required?

A. You can only but give it a go. It takes some more of that commitment but it’s all about attitude and there are advantages to the lifestyle if you choose to see them. I adore picking The Kevman up from the airport and spending all week with him, but I also get time to myself to concentrate on other things like writing, eating better, craft work and getting health issues sorted (my current projects). We Skype each other at night to share our day, we make it work. With school hols I don’t have to apply for leave or juggle it, I'm always available. It’s all about how you look at it.

Q. Do you have a backup plan if the whole thing goes arse up? How reversible is this decision?

A. The level of backup plan required is negatively correlated to how much ‘yes’ features in your previous answers. The more connection you feel and commitment you have denotes less requirement for an out, but you still have to be prepared for things going horribly wrong. You’re giving up your home; income and possibly continuous access to your children...you better have a support network (and some job ideas) should you decide to return.

Q. What is best for your children if you already have any?

A. This is a unique situation that every parent must answer for themselves. In my case, I have an excellent co-parenting relationship with my children’s father and it was decided several years ago that whoever left town first does the visitation thing. Miss 19 was already living in a different city so our contact was largely by Facebook anyway and Lil Blondie is settled at school with her friends and familiar teachers, a solid family network including a good father (and now his new partner) and three grandparents. Although she is always welcome here, she is currently where she belongs and The Kevman and I are in a financial situation to reunite with the kids every school holidays or at other times if required. This is working for us, so feel free to do the same if it would work for you too. Just because you’re female does not mean you cannot voluntarily be the visiting parent in a separation situation, it does not mean you are a bad mother....welcome to gender equality.

Q. But what if his family and friends think I'm just after his money?

A. They are perfectly entitled to at least consider that as a possibility...especially if things develop quickly. It is understandable that they will want to protect their friend/relative, though at the same time they should give credit that he/she know what he/she is doing. Give them time. Turn up when you’re invited, be respectful but hold your own. You’re there because you are committed to this relationship and happy to be there....both of you. So show it.

The best advice I can offer overall (coz it’s my blog and I can offer advice if I want to) is if you want the least amount of ripples when major change needs to occur, you should have the groundwork laid beforehand. Be prepared for anything to happen in your life so when the big stuff comes you have the support you need. By this I mean be an honest, consistent person, not a flighty fluffhead who can’t stick at one thing longer than two seconds (there’s medication for that). Be a good friend, keep secrets, give of yourself, be positive, and surround yourself with good positive people. Be single when that’s best; don’t have a boy/girlfriend just because you are lonely. Be trustworthy so that when you make big or possibly controversial decisions people are more likely to trust your judgement and support you in them.

Just don't be a dickhead basically.

But ultimately, it's up to you and if all the above is a bit much to remember, here’s my short version:

“Life ain’t a rehearsal”

“The greatest love is worth the greatest risk”

“Don’t make decisions that don’t need to be made”

Apply as necessary.

Have a nice day. 

Now I'd better get back to my offspring, I hear only silence and it concerns me that seventeen pizzas and a stripper may turn up at my door any second. Have a good one! :D

The hardest job....but the rewards are amazing

Today I shall have to flit in and flit out again (my own FIFO of sorts) as the offspring have joined us in Oz for the second half of the school holidays.

Much fun is being had by all and as my daughter will be nineteen on the 10th January,,,,the festivities are set too continue.

It is at times like these that one discovers exactly how many blessings one has to count. You hear about it all the time but every once in a while you it jumps up and hits you in the face like an errant frying pan. You're a lucky person.

It's something we all should take time to reflect on much more frequently than we do.

Vodka helps.

And at the risk of sounding like a lush, I've had a couple....and a pear cider....or two.

But it's a simple formula really.

The next step is appreciation. Be grateful. Don't be a whiny ass and find shit to complain about....hang with the lucky thoughts and rejoice in them. It's not hard if you practice.

Finally you need to show that appreciation and in my case, right now, that means spending time with my loved ones before they sod off back to NZ and my beloved tootles off back up to his island.

Just had to shoot in and let you know I am alive...and happy, very very happy.

Love to all

Rock on and make 2015 your bitch ;-)

How to catch a Tigress

So how is everyone after their New Year’s shenanigans?

I for one am pooped let me tell you; I shenaniganned myself all the way to the computer and it was all on from there: Facebook statuses flying around, emails everywhere, new pins...it was chaos. I barely had time to sip my herbal tea let alone get any cross stitch done.

I'm going to need a week to recover!

But to be honest, this day has more significance to me than just the dawn of a new year. You see exactly one year ago on New Year’s Day, I met The Kevman. This was quite a monumental occasion as I had started to lose all hope of finding any male capable of enchanting the Tigress.

But he did it...bless his wee cotton socks. :)

So for those men (and lesbians for that matter) who are interested, listen up. I thought I’d write the definitive guide for you. This is how to catch a Tigress in five (apparently not so) easy steps.

Step One: Find one who has been on her own for a while. She'll be a little jaded no doubt but she'll still be able to smile warmly when the occasion warrants it. Not only does her lone wolf status signify her independence, it denotes discernment; she ain’t gonna just shack up with anyone. If she chooses you, you know she isn’t kidding.

Step Two: Don’t be an asshole. I know this seems like such an obvious one, but so many men just can’t seem to get this step down. There are two ways this happens. Firstly on the night they meet their possible Tigress they either do not listen to her attentively, or make it obvious in other ways that they wish to investigate the physical attraction more than the mental. As I insinuated in Step One, Tigresses ain’t stupid, they need a mental connection before you gettin’ the booty. If you treat her like a piece of meat, she will drop you like a cup of cold sick.

Just so's you know.

The second way to escalate your assholian standing is to play her (or derivatives thereof). Let me make this perfectly clear, if you have a current girlfriend you do not wish to be with...get rid of her BEFORE you even look at tempting a Tigress. If you are not able to come at her with complete honesty from the outset, then you’re Done..... Done Done Done like a Madden Brothers song. Because I can bet you any money that she has been on her own for a while due to the fact she’s been hurt rather badly at some point and now has little tolerance for boys who can’t get their shit together.

So have your shit together.

Step Three: Treat her like a lady. Now this is very dodgy ground in today’s world with women no longer accepting any relegation to an apparent ‘second place’, or insinuation that they are incapable of looking after themselves. And quite rightly so, but my suggestion: do it anyway. Take a gamble on the fact that she has probably dealt with a lot of disrespect so will appreciate the effort if done genuinely. Hold doors, look at her face frequently like she is beautiful, pull her chair out for her, be confident and chivalrous without being arrogant. And don’t be afraid to do the romantic first kiss. As a piece of bonus info, this will probably get you laid a damn sight quicker than pinching her ass. You’re welcome.

Step Four: Let her see your kindness. We’re over the macho shit ok. Way over it. We really don’t need to hear you yell and rant and threaten or what have you. Give it rest. Any Tigress worth her stripes could probably lay someone on his or her ass anyway if required so we really don’t need your bullshit bravado hindering our investigations into who you really are. Don’t get me wrong, assertiveness is attractive but what she'll really be watching for is gentleness, generosity and kindness: How you treat and tip wait staff, how you speak to others - particularly the elderly and children, how tolerant you are and how you handle conflict, including whether or not you resort to abuse over calm resolution.  She will be watching it all. If your habit is toward violence of any sort, wind you neck in and change it. A Tigress will only go where she feels safe; create that safety and you will have a mate for life.

Step Five: Communicate, but don’t expect a lot from her to start with. She will be guarded, at least to some degree but that is your challenge. She will enjoy wit (if you make her laugh heartily, you’re halfway there), but she'll also love deep conversations about things that are important or interesting to her. If she is a true Tigress she will never seek to control you, subtly influence perhaps, but not control....and obviously it is pointless trying to control her (though if you do things right she will want to do everything to please you so it’s irrelevant).  She will let you know what she does and doesn't like and it is perfectly ok for you to do the same – providing you can back your shit up should you disagree.  She needs intelligence and competency in a mate. She may be smarter than you in some areas so be prepared to learn without your ego getting in the way, but you will of course have your own areas that you can wax informative on so will command her respect right back.

Though I’m gonna take a moment to be honest here: No Tigress is going to look twice at a guy who’s unemployed and whose sole ‘passions’ are adult cartoons and computer/console games. Sports are fine but hardcore gaming skates a thin line, especially if you’re over 30. If you are passionate to the point that you have a blog on which you review games or one that comments on the possible social commentary contained within the aforementioned cartoons, you may court her attention. But you’d better not be gaming at the expense of job seeking/studying....or, just, nope. Actually if you’re doing anything too much besides studying or job-seeking it’s a nope. Harsh, but reality.

Overall, Tigress taming is not hard if you just use your brains over your balls. She doesn't need a banker or a lawyer or a motorcycle bad boy, she just needs someone who treats her with respect and is committed. Yes there are many good women who ‘friendzone’ some very good men...but they are not Tigresses. Yet. Give them another few years of being screwed around and played and you might just find they learn what, and who, is really important.

So, you might be asking, did I make the Kevman do all of the above?

No. He did it all by himself.

That’s why I now live in Perth J

Happy New Year everyone! And Happy Anniversary my darling <3