Australian Wildlife 101 (Or...A Helpful Guide to what might kill you in Australia)

Australia is no picnic. And if you’re smart, it’s a country in which you will never go for one either. The amount of things that can kill you in the great land Down Under is quite staggering. And it’s not just the snakes and spiders that'll do you in.

I recently had a wee probe around the Internet, doing a spot of research and happened upon the Australian Geographic page outlining Australia’s top 30 most dangerous animals.

It immediately occurred to me that the list of potentially lethal critters in this country must be fairly decent then for them to be able to isolate a top 30. I was simultaneously awed and terrified.

Let me share with you some of their revelations (if you are planning to visit Australia, you may want to skip this and await next week’s blog, just putting it out there)

Snakes: Although it is not a snake that tops the 30 most dangerous animals list, Australia is home to not only the world’s deadliest snake but also a plethora of its almost equally noxious serpentine relatives. Fortunately the most venomous slitherer: Oxyuranus microlepidotus or the Inland Taipan, is an elusive chappy and doesn't come out to play with humans very often, thus resulting in its total death count of zero. This is fantastic considering it contains enough toxin to kill several humans....you know, just in case it encounters a flock of rapid herpetologists or something.

What is not so fantastic is that of the 139 other breeds of land snake in this country, way too many of them also pack some kill juice and will not hesitate to share it with you if the whim takes them, or you piss them off; in fact 12 snakes feature in the top 30. I was heartened to discover however, that the snake considered the most dangerous overall was called the Eastern Brown snake....that is, it lives more ‘over East’....i.e.. not here.

I was not nearly so heartened to discover that number two on the dangerous snake list was called the Western Brown snake.....

I stopped researching snakes about then.

Spiders: Australia is also home to a rather nifty assortment of toxic spiders. Now to be fair, I really shouldn't wax dramatic on our little arachnid buddies as they haven’t killed anybody in Australia since 1981. And while a nibble from the Sydney Funnel Web spider (seventh on the dangerous creatures list) can make you feel rather unfortunate, and a nip from a Redback (24^th) ain’t exactly a waltz in the park either, overall you have more chance of carking it from a bee sting in Australia than you ever will from a spider bite (a fact that actually promotes the humble honey bee to 2^nd on the aforementioned top 30!).

So if a snake or spider isn’t the most dangerous animal in Australia, what is?

“Crocodile!” I hear you shout.

Nope that‘s number six...and while they have been verified at over six metres long (unverified up to eight metres.....just take a moment there), they are only responsible for the demise to one to two Aussies per year and snack on a very small selection of others.

Scorpion?

Doesn't even feature on the list. Bull ants, giant centipedes and the Australian paralysis tick will do you more damage than those guys.

And if you’re guessing shark, you’d get a big fat ‘no dice’ on that one as well. Coming in at only number four, the Bull shark (stealing 13 places on its cousin the Great White in 17th) is one mean ass predator that can swim up rivers to eat you if it so desires, but it still can’t even penetrate the top three in the danger stakes.

That task is left to other occupants of the sea.

Taking out the Most Dangerous Creature in Australia title is...

Drumroll please...

.....the not so humble Box Jellyfish, and right up its tushy at number three (flanking the honeybee in its number two position) is the Irukandji (another jellyfish).

Jellyfish

I kid you not.

This country is so badass it just uses sharks and snakes as backup. If it really wants to kill yo’ ass it'll chuck a highly toxic ball of goo at you. And the chances of you seeing it coming are slim to none as both the box and Irukandji jellyfish have near invisible tentacles that, and I quote: “can entangle you and have millions of harpoons that inject a lot of venom at once. The box jellyfish in particular...can kill in minutes.”

Well 10 points for efficiency.

You know how Dory said “Just keep swimming, just leep swimm....”... well don’t.

The only good thing about all this, (well from a personal perspective), is that most of the real bad boys are up north, jellyfish included. So unless you’re hanging out somewhere like Darwin, there is not too much to be concerned about.

Unless, of course, you’re moving to Darwin

Where a lot of the mining work is

Like what Kevman does...

Might see if there’s any vodka left from that whole printer episode. See you next week!